On Being Depressed

living a full life anyway
means knowing that when I love
I'll sometimes feel like dying
but opening my heart nonetheless

living a full life anyway
means dragging myself through inertia
just to get showered and dressed
and then putting on lipstick, goddammit

living a full life anyway
means sometimes being the jackass
who took on very little
but found it too much and bails out

living a full life anyway
means sleeping in my car some nights
because climbing the stairs to the apartment is bullshit
after my daily energy has run dry

living a full life anyway
means needing others
in a deeply exposing way
and feeling unworthy of their help

living a full life anyway
means sitting in meditation
not for tranquility
but for survival

living a full life anyway
means taking it personally
every time a friend or stranger
dies of the same disease

living a full life anyway
means knowing this may kill me
but deciding to fight hard
with teeth bared in defiance

living a full life anyway
means always fearing
that I've built a house of cards
that will topple as it's done before

living a full life anyway
means decorating those cards while I have them
placing them with care
and screaming into the wind
"Come fuck with me. I'm ready."