Tuesday, November 25, 2014

Grace

grace in her fingers
her thoughts percussing
from keyboard to screen

grace in her colors
riotous pink hair
and splotches of alabaster
adorning her limbs

grace in the moment
when the teapot drags with exhaustion
but she lifts it anyway
to pour me a cup

grace in her shoulders
which will soften beneath my lips
when the work of the day is finished

it is then I will whisper a love song
to remind her once again of my reverence
for the woman whose every movement
lays grace upon my hearth

Friday, October 24, 2014

Walking to 7 Eleven

water clinking melodically down the gutters
a truck rolls its tires on the curb, reverses and starts again
the tabby cat is absent from the neighbor's window

these things I notice
while hurtling through space
at 66,600 miles per hour

Monday, September 29, 2014

My Woman Made of Star Stuff

For Amie.

my woman made of star stuff
drops galaxies within me
where they burn and swirl in sync
with the rhythm of her step

my woman made of star stuff
catches the lamplight
in the crook of her elbow
inviting me to kiss her just there

my woman made of star stuff
wraps her lanky limbs
around my pudgy frame
and makes me beautiful

my woman made of star stuff
refuses, REFUSES to watch movies
in anything but their original format
going pink with passion explaining this

my woman made of star stuff
weeps with heartbreak
and honors me by letting me comfort her
when life flops to the floor in tatters

my woman made of star stuff
moves with sweet defiance
through a world of hostility
rather than hide in safety

my woman made of star stuff
drops galaxies within me
where they burn and swirl
and etch her name
into the fabric of my space
the breath of my time

Saturday, August 16, 2014

On Being Depressed

living a full life anyway
means knowing that when I love
I'll sometimes feel like dying
but opening my heart nonetheless

living a full life anyway
means dragging myself through inertia
just to get showered and dressed
and then putting on lipstick, goddammit

living a full life anyway
means sometimes being the jackass
who took on very little
but found it too much and bails out

living a full life anyway
means sleeping in my car some nights
because climbing the stairs to the apartment is bullshit
after my daily energy has run dry

living a full life anyway
means needing others
in a deeply exposing way
and feeling unworthy of their help

living a full life anyway
means sitting in meditation
not for tranquility
but for survival

living a full life anyway
means taking it personally
every time a friend or stranger
dies of the same disease

living a full life anyway
means knowing this may kill me
but deciding to fight hard
with teeth bared in defiance

living a full life anyway
means always fearing
that I've built a house of cards
that will topple as it's done before

living a full life anyway
means decorating those cards while I have them
placing them with care
and screaming into the wind
"Come fuck with me. I'm ready."

Sunday, August 3, 2014

A Devotional

a bucket of flowers on the grimy floor
blossoms straining apart
as though polarized against their fellows
each one already dead
the days of budding have passed
a vanishing ode to summer

she knows where she put the summer
she drags the bucket across floor
this year she's let go as the days have passed
and the hours have easily coalesced and come apart
an insect falls from a petal, dead
an infinity away from its garden fellows

she doesn't notice the insect, doesn't consider its fellows
just opens the door to admit an inch more summer
and observes the surreality of not being dead
most things that ever lived have already hit the floor
their atoms have drifted apart
and what they became has likewise passed

for her 29 years have passed
each day gathering behind her with its fellows
present and past cleaving the world apart
flowers and insects flit through this summer
as she sweeps the dirt from the floor
each moment, once lived, drops dead

now that she's used to the dead
she doesn't regret what's passed
or focus on anything but mopping the floor
just as later she'll focus on one of her fellows
a lover whose lips are made of summer
who tears preoccupations apart

finished, she pulls a flower apart
its flesh feeling anything but dead
these colorful slices of summer
carry the light and wind that passed
growing them and their fellows
the petals land on the newly-cleaned floor

her bare feet kiss the petals, the floor
footprints joining their fellows
leading away from what has passed

Thursday, July 31, 2014

Adding Rings

the sun dipping low
highlights the trunks of tall trees
hinting at the need
for structure, consistency
continuous unfolding

Wednesday, July 23, 2014

Summer Rain

an abrupt downpour
sends freshness barreling in
the open front door

Sunday, July 20, 2014

Tell Me You Love Me

"tell me you love me"
demands a man I don't love
I kiss him, say no

Wednesday, July 9, 2014

Road Trip

as you squeegee off the bugs
you can notice or ignore them

but they've still all died
on the windshield
while you counted the miles
and sang along to the radio

your very existence
relies upon taking in dead things
and shitting them out

but that only troubles you
for a moment

some of your loved ones are dead too
others live and you're killing the bugs
to go visit them

you drive away
burning another tank of dead dinosaurs
the dead bugs float in soapy water
you munch on dead blueberries
and live
for the time being

Saturday, July 5, 2014

Expanding

her heart grows lanky
and sleeps in the car
blond-curled head lolling

her heart grows dexterous
and taps the screen of a cell phone
drawing flowers and butterflies

her heart falls asleep in her arms
less and less these days

her heart peels away from her
with a sticky tearing noise
and runs away, shouting "No!"

her heart, no longer her own
can't be clung to or bargained with
as it bounds through this world
expanding

Friday, June 27, 2014

Juneuary

keyholes between clouds
permit glimpses of summer
sun brightens puddles

Wednesday, June 25, 2014

Light

in its place the sun roils
immense and unfathomable
sending photons hurtling toward earth

that eight minutes from now
she will not notice
as she drives home
trembling
weeping
regretting

instead of seeing
this moment
in all its perfection

only later will she sit
and breathe
and feel the light upon her skin
and when she does
nothing will be fixed

and she will bow
to everything that can't be fixed

Tuesday, June 17, 2014

Heartbeat

every heartbeat has
a soaring spike, then a dive
electricity
racing dizzily along
fibers that will die one day

Sunday, June 15, 2014

Apple

first bite of apple
teeth tearing into sweetness
light upon the tongue

Saturday, June 14, 2014

Sunset

near to the solstice
a gash across the twilight
sunset spurting blood
she stops to write about it
and looks up to find it gone

Wednesday, June 11, 2014

Dancer

I'm sure he doesn't know
how graceful he is

the sharp angle of his elbow
suspended in air as he taps the buttons of his calculator
is ineffably simple and lovely

I watch him and I doubt
that he knows what it is to be connected
to trade electrons

so fluid and aloof, my beloved
perhaps I think he's dancing
because I only catch him in glimpses

Saturday, June 7, 2014

Ejection

this body is only a seatbelt
that unbuckles with disquieting ease


it happens all the time: 
ejections and rough landings
and muffled slippings away


sudden or drawn out
things come undone
or are purposefully cut loose


some go barreling toward the end
the rest of us wait our turn
while telling ourselves
we're not in line

Friday, June 6, 2014

Happy and Thankful

she knows his influence
has altered the course of her life
and left it entirely the same
she is happy and thankful

she knows she wants to see him
wants his accent in her ears
his body in her bed
she is happy and thankful

she knows she may never see him again
because life is unpredictable
and everything is temporary
she is happy and thankful

she knows she misses her children
still feels inadequate and bereft
over the custody battle she lost
she is happy and thankful

she knows the next time she sees them
she will hug them tight and buy them smoothies
then she will drop them off to their father
who may be neutral, or cruel, or chatty, or sneer at her
she is happy and thankful

she knows she may cry on the way home
or may scream and think about driving off the highway
before returning to her breath
and arriving home safe and calm
unless someone else's driving kills her anyway
she is happy and thankful

she knows she is the Buddha
and she doesn't understand that at all
she is happy and thankful

Tuesday, June 3, 2014

She Observes Her Lover

she observes her lover
as though through a microscope

scientifically
noting the details:
he's grown a cowlick
and three small folds of fat where he bends
and another bike chain bracelet

he's sprouted parts that dismiss her
and parts that cling

tonight he bit her
peppering her limbs with marks
that faded the next moment

she escaped herself and returned
with a soulsmack

she'd been trying to absorb him
hindered by his wholeness
she'd been trying to mix
like two colors of paint

because so often he is new
and it is easier to change herself
than to stumble upon him
changed

Monday, June 2, 2014

Deep Time

the time before we are born
and after we have died
is so entirely vast

that we basically spend no time being ourselves
and all of time being everything else

our lives are blips
too tiny to comprehend or measure

we are just atoms 
moving about
because nothing stands still

Shorebird

his fingers skim her body 
like a shorebird tracing the water's surface 
the lake rises to his touch

Wednesday, May 28, 2014

Ralston

today I learned
that when Aron Ralston was severing his own arm
in that place of unyielding inspiration
we call the desert
he saved the gleaming nerve fibers for last
fearing the unfathomable pain
of that final separation

that gave me hope, I guess
if he could muster the courage
to jimmy a dull knife through inches of searing flesh
to snap his own bone when the time came
then surely I can find a way
to slip out of the confines
of a life that I've outgrown

this would seem the place
to paint some metaphor about a butterfly
emerging and flying triumphantly away
but remember that nature shows
skip to the good parts

and when the butterfly first strains free
of its tomb-like chrysalis
it's exhausted beyond the limits of its
soggy, trembling new body
unable to do anything more than try to breathe
and practice flapping its cumbersome wings

so I'm just going to sit here for a while
and breathe, if I can
and flap, when I have the strength to
and just...
just breathe

Sunday, May 25, 2014

Connection

the leaves outside my window
turned gray in the twilight
while I wrote

I get up to make tea
thinking about the view from your window
as you write
and sip tea

Saturday, May 24, 2014

2300-0700

the ED tech travels as if on wheels
yanking me from room to room

family and patients make note of us coming and going
and return to their texting and crosswords
for it's all waiting here


in room 2 a man is gone
I should say he is dying
but that feels so active
and this cancer-ridden body is all passivity
the wife, the son, wait
faces dry and resigned
how long have they been hefting this wait around?
his eyes, distended
point unseeing at the wall
barrel chest shudders and heaves
with the force of the ventilator
I'm sure his last conscious breath has passed
but this is not a vigil
and no one focuses on the man
our exit goes unnoticed


across the pod
a middle-aged woman with a broken shoulder
weeps when we touch her
hunching around the assault and embarrassment
tears track down bare breasts
she blames herself for standing in a hallway
and being knocked down by a crowd of teenage boys
I feel like I'm watching her add this
to her list of reasons why she is
stupid, broken, not enough
the splint we apply seems flimsy
plaster and a sling never healed a heart in pain
and her mother complains
about the expense


the night wanes
so morning must be coming to replace it
while I'm helping to empty the bladder
of a catatonic woman from the psych ward
I smell her, unshowered, as the nurse inserts a catheter
her flesh trembles as we press upon her bladder
I hold the leg aside, like you would for a woman birthing
I put my hand on her head and tell her "te estamos ayudando"
and of course there is no emotion showing
but when I pronounce her name
I give it the proper Spanish lilt
and her eyes turn toward me
a syllable slips through her lips
a shard of beauty amidst all that is broken

Friday, May 23, 2014

Amateur Cardiology

I've touched heartstrings
and they're not wimpy
they're thick and fibrous
almost menacing in their strength

I've measured the muscles
that eject blood with such force
that it rockets around the body
and back to the heart within a minute

I've watched the surge and dive
of electricity through the heart
and I know our hearts will beat
over 2.5 billion times in this life

so trust me when I say
that my heart
and yours
can overcome, endure, and adapt

trust me when I hold out my hand
as we take flight together
knowing the landing may bruise us

trust me when I say
that we can love limitlessly
and survive

Wednesday, May 21, 2014

Fairview

above her, blossoms
doing nothing but being
white petals outstretched

Tuesday, May 20, 2014

Thoughts on Ithaka

For Rebecca.

I hug you harder than either of us is used to
your necklace presses tiny leaf prints into my collar bone
I may be imagining it, but you feel thinner
or maybe sorrow has made you delicate

"ask that your way be long" says the poem
"when you set out for Ithaka
ask that your way be long"

but your father is gone
far sooner than he asked for
as if he sailed away one day
over the edge of a world
made flatter by his departure

something heartfelt and useless
pushes its way out from between my lips
the words drop to the ground
and shatter between our dressy shoes

I have nothing else to say
nothing that might lift the veil from your eyes
but maybe it helps that I see
you

maybe it's a comfort
that I bear witness to this time
when you are set apart by loss

maybe it helps
that I remember you
before you languished in grief

if I can do nothing
say no incantation
if I cannot deliver you
from the grip of Laistrygonians and the Cyclops
and wild Poseidon

if I cannot sail with you
because this journey is not mine

then at least I can hope
for a journey full of adventure, full of instruction
for a way that may be long

Monday, May 19, 2014

May

spring has begun to whisper
into summer's ear
"it's nearly time, beloved"

I sit on the balcony
wrapped in a blanket
drinking tea
watching the leaves grow fat
too slowly for my eyes

the cat waits beside the door
ready to dash out past my legs
we both yearn toward the broad sky

Sunday, May 18, 2014

Measured

life measured in breath
to live it is to watch it
evaporating

Stardust

I run my fingers along the bones
of someone I never knew
exploring this person more intimately than anyone
I claim to have known

the sphenoid, wings spread to help cradle a brain
the ilium that may have swayed to music
the calcaneus that bore the weight of countless steps
the trochanters and tubercles where muscles grasped and yanked
this body into fluid, unfathomable motion

less than a centimeter of impermanent flesh
separates my phalanges from the set of carpals I puzzle together
less than a microscopic speck of time
separates me standing in the biology lab from the life extinguished
that gifted these bones to posterity
less than 1% of genetic difference
separates me from the contents of this plastic box
the body of a human like me
that, like me, coalesced from stardust